Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
