I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
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Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
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im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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