my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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