update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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