My liver just broke up with me...
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
