Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
