My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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