NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
