OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
