Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
