Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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