A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
