the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
