i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
