Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
