Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
