I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
