omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
