I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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