Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
