i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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