im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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