well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
