this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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