Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
