she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
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My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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