she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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