Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
