So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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