i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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