sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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