there was a trapeze. enough said
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
this is an emotional support booty call
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
