Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
