operation harelip BJ is a go
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
