I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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