No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
