all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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