I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
