I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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