So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
