I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
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Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
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