is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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