my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
