it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
