Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am one with the molecules
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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