two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
