I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
