Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
