this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
