I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
