i wish my penis had a tongue
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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