farters have to be the big spoon...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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