I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
