Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
