Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
