I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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