Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
