I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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