I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
