I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
