Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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