dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
