Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success