When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
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There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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