This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
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Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
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We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG